I was warmly received, I must say. My essentials were booked in and it was just an exciting experience as well. They were shocked at the number of things in my luggage.
“Nani alisema unaweza leta taka taka zingine hapa?” (Who said you could come with all this trash?)
“Hujakuja likizo hapa, nani!!!” (You are not here on holiday)
“Sawa Mkubwa” (Okay Sir) I responded
“Haya basi! Book hizi vitu zote hapo halafu utaonyeshwa mahali utafungiwa” (Okay then, Book all these things there then you will be shown where you will be locked in)
I just smiled and gave a mild shrug. So I booked in a Laptop, a mobile phone & their respective accessories, my wallet, two watches, a pen knife, a pair of jeans, a tee shirt, a sweater, my house keys, a belt, three condoms and my camera of course. The condom part was hilarious. They started making all these nasty jokes about sex and inmate life. Once I put my signature in that book, I was officially an inmate. I prefer none of my parents knowing this and I know they will probably take a while before they know it since they are not a big part of this blog I know.
“We! Nani!!!” (*alerts* You..!)
“Nani alikwambia tuko na warembo hapa?” (Who told you we have pretties – ladies here?)
“Hakuna afande” (No one Sir)
“Na condom ni za nini unatuletea hapa?” (And what are these condoms for?)
“Sio zenu, sijaletea mtu kitu, ni venye…” (They are not yours, it’s only that…)
“Ona hii nugu ya mutu, inakuja na kondom jela” “Ama wewe ni shoga?” (Look at this monkey of a person coming with condoms to jail, or are you gay?)
At this point, I was really getting irritated. I don’t know, it was a mixture of emotions. I was partly laughing inside and I was partly getting irritated to this deeply “Ke Cop” accented allegations and trashy talk coming through to me. This just rolled out as I had imagined it from the novels and movies.
*In the most innocent of faces* “Afande napenda kuokota hizi vitu, na kuna mahali nilipitia jana nikazipata nikaweka kwa mfuko”. (I like collecting these things and I collected these yesterday and put them in my pocket)
They laughed harder and I could not help but laugh along.
“Wewe ni mjinga sana! unajua hivo?” (You are very stupid, you know that, right?)
“Wewe sahau hiyo maneno kabisa, ondoa hiyo kwa akili. Utapata hiyo kitu ukitoka hapa” (You forget all that, you will get some when you leave here)
“Nitatoboa afande, niko strong” (I can manage sir, I am strong on this one)
*Giving the most evil grin I could muster* “Piece of Cake”
I was shown to my cell and I set my bed up. I was informed that I could order supper if I wanted since it was already past mealtime. I then went to the grounds. (This is where there is a high wall with an electric fence at the top with the sharp edged *concentina wire, where inmates come to take in some fresh air, play cards, read books, relax, eat, etc…) I found three other inmates there and they were welcoming as well. I observed the hair on one of them and I imagined myself already with such an afro. They invited me to supper, which was still warm in the serving dishes. I had ugali, beef, and well steamed cabbage. I will leave here with a few kilos on me, I told myself. As usual, the first question is what you did to be brought there… Again this was exactly as I had pictured it. We exchanged that on a brief level, still not trusting the rest of the lot. They then invited me to tea. It was coffee actually, it was nice and heavy – the milk, you would say they milk cows around here. All along, I was smiling to myself.
I was recalled & asked if I had told my family where I was, and I said I did not tell them
“Wacha uwongo, si umeambia bibi umeenda Sudan?” (Stop lying, you probably told your wife, you have gone to Sudan right? )
“Sina bibi ata mkubwa, natafta sasa” (I do not have a wife yet, I am still searching)
“Kwa hivyo hakuna haja nikupatie simu, sindio?” (So there is no need for me to give you your phone right?)
“Apana Nahitaji simu mkubwa” (No, but I still need my phone Sir)
And that is how I got my phone.
This is going to be easy I thought…