The year is not getting any younger and I am yet to make up my mind about my life. The writing aspect of my life is one side of which has suffered the greatest blow. My little ghosts, Procrastination, mismanagement of priorities and a tendency to overlook the little things. I do not know what gave me the notion that I can write for money… Let me be specific. I do not know what gave me the notion that I could replace the gratification that I derived from writing random stuff with monetary benefits… For two months I had been contemplating closing this blog down and starting up another one to earn a few coins in the line of clicks/ traffic and that other entire web marketing jargon. I realized that was not my thing… life was better when I came home to transfer the little pointers I had on all sorts of paper, tissue included onto my rickety laptop and posting them online. It was a point of release and I intended to trade it for money. It never worked because I was too lazy and I bet money was not such a good incentive as it seemed after all.
Long story short, I was wrong. In my own rights, I was born to vent via writing, especially when a good swim has been a long time coming. Talking of swimming, it has been months since the last good swim, not counting the one a few weeks ago where I was giving some intro lessons to my sisters. Anyway, as time progressed the valve that had locked in the stresses of my life were starting to bulk to the pressure of the crap inside. This tension is bad. This is to the extent that I could not succeed in the little things that are supposed to work in my favor. I could not hold a normal conversation, I could not do my normal laps at the pool, I cannot win an NFS race until I try over 5 times, cannot even complete a simple mission in a strategy game! I am losing myself to myself. Weird I know…
Wake up call comes in when a stranger (Seaman from the Kenya Navy) asks me, “are you the one whose face I saw in the magazine?” I said yes I am the one. The he goes on and on about how; he could not imagine me being that eerrr, idle. I know “idle” in our circles also has a hidden meaning but still it did not mean well. I did not take it heavily, but it got me thinking, “What have I really become?” I even ceased contributing to an online Aviation magazine with which I had started building a reputation to myself (Not the public – the inner me). I was writing out of passion and not for any monetary or any other gain.
It was after a frustrating day (All factors considered, I may want to blame January, but it’s not January’s fault… It is all about me) that I decided to end my own dirt and gather up the pieces of the wreck I have become and work on being the “Me” I am supposed to be. I start my year today. Even if I do not have a 2014 diary to this point, I will sleep having reviewed my 2013 and having set goals for my 2014. Top on that list will be organization and consistency in everything, I lay my hands on. I also intend to write out everything my mind has been harboring good or bad.
My 2014 begins.