They decided to ‘re-script’ the Weka Condom Mpangoni ad. I am not supporting it, neither am I against it. As I was listening to the opinions about the same from the people who have been talking about it, I remembered my own few exploits with condoms. I can confidently say that the term condom is now easier to let out than before. It still sounds weird at times though. It’s that time when the term ‘CD’ becomes the most appropriate term to use.
My life with condoms started early. That was when Trust was the brand to beat. I was in class 5 I think. I didn’t know what it was at first. It wasn’t wrapped obviously coz at that age coming across a packet of condoms was a tough thing. It was at my granny’s at Chinga where this happened. My cuzo’s neighbours had this “amazing” ‘balloon’ that couldn’t burst at all. It was something normal to them coz each fished his and started stretching them. I was amazed! More so when we went to the makeshift pool at the valley below. That thing could hold water!!! Then the way he made it bounce up and down made it the funnier! It was bounce bouncing up and down in a way that was quite exhilarating to me that time.
At that very moment I vowed to ask my mum to get me that balloon that never bursts, when we got back to the homestead. Returning happily to the homestead, I was excited and was looking forward to telling mum to get me that balloon. I was so excited that I forgot the pond was an out of bound area for me. Man! Was I beaten!!!! It was impossible to lie that I did not enter that pond! The pale mole – face was so obvious I couldn’t even lie in the dark! I forgot about the amazing balloon and its wiggly magic – that beating! It was later when we returned to my parent’s (home) that I knew what that balloon was. This time I landed on the top wrapper and the instructions for use enlightened me. If I knew the F word then. That would have been a perfect time to apply it in a curse.
We didn’t have a TV at that time. Explains why I was so behind in terms of “these issues” Books & magazines were our source of info. Explains why I love reading to this day. So from that day, I started recognizing condom adverts in magazines & newspapers. Plus the two people in a “funny” position on walls everywhere (Trust Advert). The blushing started when the science teacher covered the reproductive system in 6th grade.
Again I met the condom again in a seminar about HIV & AIDS and that’s when I learnt of its use ‘properly’. Going to high school was another good platform that I got to meet various different kinds of condoms. I got the “kumbe sabuni sio Omo tu” eureka moment. I never went to supermarkets before until I reached high school. So when I started going to supermarkets in high school, colourful display of various condoms was obviously very interesting & looked; edible. Again within this period I got to learn how to use them in practical sessions on wooden dummies. Again curiosity being at its peak no lie, it was within this period that I also saw it in application. Don’t even ask; blue movies.
Forward to 2006/7 and being a volunteer of the Red Cross, we helped distribute condoms to dispensers within the town helping the Ministry of Health. Here I got to handle the most condoms ever in life so far. Thousands! Till they ceased being a mystery.
Coming closer to present, the year is 2009! After graduating from boot camp. My friend & I got into Nakumatt Eldoret & among my shopping were 5 different brands of condoms. My obsession for condoms had started – am thinking condom collector as a better term. Even with the money, being high & expensive condoms in tow, I never got the courage to approach, tune & use them on anyone. Too much excitement killed the moment I think. In due course, friends took them one by one coz feeling like a hero, I displayed them where everybody entering my room could see them. I was back to zero.
Later the same year, my colleagues & I were sent on assignment as escorts to a posh event to escort some VIPs & in the routine-security check of the ladies, I saw a condom dispenser! ‘Innocent’ Kriscalf, met Female Condoms for the first time. I stashed several in my coat’s inner pocket and walked out assertively & smiling inside. “The room is clear madam & ready for your use” that time female condoms were still expensive & very rare. Again I made sure everybody who came to my room saw them. Same way like my former collection, they were taken away; one by one.
A few months later, I learnt that going to a VCT at work guaranteed you a packet of 100 condoms – the poorly branded but high quality condoms the government issues. Same as those we used to distribute back in the day. By now you may have realized am a fan of condoms big time. So I became a fan of VCTs because I had a ‘name to protect’. My friends had already started branding me the ‘CB-SS’ (Sure Supplier). Especially those who didn’t know where they were coming from. All they needed to do was come by my room, dip their hands in the ‘cookie jar’ & leave with a 4 round belt of ammo. It was okay, very okay. I then started taking female condoms for variety purposes. Then comes the time when very drunk, picking condoms at Nakumatt Lifestyle seemed so cool! Shy Kriscalf never got ‘lucky’ & so the impulse buying of condoms ceased.
Come closer again & traveling with condoms became my new trend. In all my bags I had several rounds of ammo with me. Obviously I expected to get laid at every opportunity available but it did not happen. One time I lent my friend a laptop bag with several condoms inside. She spent a week with it. Definitely she found the condoms inside because on returning the bag, there was only one remaining neatly wrapped in tissue paper. I didn’t realize it until a time I was searching for coins – I stash coins in that tiny part of the bag, same compartment that the condoms happen to go. That is when I realized enheee!!!! Gone in 1 week. I didn’t ask about it. She needed it she got it. Or let’s say; she lent a friend the bag, who lent another friend, etc. But she gonna hate me when she realizes I realized, and writing about it here. You know at some of those times you don’t think thrice…
That story did not end there. Several months later, I needed to take a laptop to my sister. And it was the most convenient bag to use. So I retrieved it from its place. I emptied its contents as I cleaned it and neatly placed the wrapped condom on top of my stack of books at some corner in the house. I didn’t want my sister to start a condom collection obsession like mine. Don’t even think about it. I forgot about it. Several weeks later, the 2 I C asks me why I carry tissue every day. I said it is obvious, for number 2 purposes. In actual sense, I carry tissue for toilet services, etiquette & those very rare moments when the lady seated next to you in a mat needs a tissue, or a hankie. That didn’t mean much. On the second day I noted she was extra keen as I folded my piece of tissue. On the third day, she asked again why I carried tissue to work, she went ahead to ask if I used it and I said I did not. Then she was like “Why do you need to carry a condom to work?” it hadn’t hit me. So I responded “I do not carry condoms to work, my dear” – In the most innocent of faces.
“And why did I find a condom wrapped with tissue on top of your books the other day?”
I started laughing even before I could configure a realistic response. She frowned.
“It’s for protection”
“One condom?” “The rest already protected you! Huh?”
“There is something I never told you, I love condoms. I always carry them in my bag & I removed it when…”
“Don’t even tell me those lies, Condoms… where are the rest?”
|My Keys holder – Inner Ring of the Female Condom.
I went ahead to explain even with her screaming. I was laughing hysterically at the scene. It sounds silly to be caught with a half packet of condoms, in this case a ¼. I told her to relax because I always have a condom or condoms for that matter within my reach, whether it’s to use in the right manner, to play with it or to do other creative stuff with it. She believed me when I told her that “Even as we speak, one of my key holder’s is part of a female condom – be calm.”
Adding a condom to your your plan/plot is 100% to do with wearing it, or ‘it’ wearing you – no offence, but there is that 101% that they didn’t mention. Have fun with the rubber. The thing people don’t get is that as long as the condom has not been used for its ‘primary role’, its still clean – very, in fact.
Have fun with a condom next time you come across one.