I don’t get how nature wired her stuff but, it’s in such situations that you meet old friends, classmates, relatives etc. You can imagine the surprises, small talk and all that stuff people do when they unexpectedly meet you and your family. The most surprised being the classmates who thought we would be jokers for life – which made sense to some extent. Otherwise we would all have come from under one roof. The walk to the supermarket was a long one, with everybody we met congratulating & blah blah~ing about several other stuff in relation to this ‘family of mine’. Others went ahead to compare shamelessly, changing focus from the mother to the child and to me and again to the child and giving a sort of approval. A congratulatory note followed. It was while we were at the children section that I started asking myself some tough ones… How it got to this…
(To be Continued)
I couldn’t explain love more than this bubble… or lets say big protuberance of something bigger than a life size potato wanting to burst forth from the area inside my chest… it was the best feeling ever. I didn’t have to say it for it to get to the recipient… Triti’s mom… I thought I was the only one who knew what Love was at that time. This sentiment had brought me to achieving my dreams & closer to most of the others. I met Cera at a friend’s party. He had just arrived from China where he had undergone specialized training as a combat helicopter pilot. In jest my friend invited me over to where she was sited (Whispering how I would never get this one) and it was one of my most bizarre introductions.
“Cera, Meet my friend & colleague Brian” “Brian, Cera”
“Nice to meet you” at least I said that first, (Extreme liking, If you say that before I do… Ops!)
Most of the time, I had to bring up all the courage in me to just say this statement. That kinda startled me… Usually I do not say that before the other party. I always find myself conceding the new friendship after quite a while! I had fallen for this lady. Kevin poked me hard and in full hearing range of Cera he said…. “She is out of bounds to all soldiers…” Cera couldn’t help blushing. She was beautiful… Long shiny black hair, nails tick, legs tick, Face, just perfect, Bra content… Mmmm mmm, tick tick tick!!! & everything nice. As per my standards, she was there there… Most of mine would agree…
“Really?” … “Okay Fine, I will keep my safe distance.”
Anybody who couldn’t see that I had fallen for this lady was obviously too tipsy for their own good or wasn’t paying attention to us.
We got down to some conversation & I acted her waiter (Everything to please her) what I loser, I thought to myself. We talked for the rest of the evening which happened to be moving in slow motion. Or was it just me? I was enjoying every moment of it. By the end of the evening, we were more than just friends. I could feel it. I called a cab and got her to the gate of the apartments where she lived. I couldn’t go further inside since there were tough restrictions in place to strangers after certain hours. I would have convinced the gatekeeper, but I didn’t wanna make this a short term thing. I gave her a hug which she returned in kind and that confirmed my suspicions that she had also liked me. I went back to Kevin’s place where we continued drinking the best of liquor (Happened Rarely) & catching up… I went straight to the point, considering I was less drunk than everybody else in the room and shot my question to Kev who did not seem in any way surprised. I asked him why he had said that Cera was out of bounds to our brand. He did not have a ready answer, I guessed he was too excited about the evening, and had enough to drink that he did not care anymore… or it was one of those weird & unthought-of things we blurt when tipsy. He never mentioned it again, ever.
We continued hooking up with Cera and after a period short of a year with like a month and a half, I asserted my Love for her. It was too evident that it radiated like the sun on a summer afternoon, but you know sometimes, or rather most of the time… Love has to be audibly declared for it to be really acknowledged… It was the best feeling ever. The ki~Bubble thing… The relationship cruised quite well for a while. So perfect was it that I was even getting apprehensive. Last I had checked, relationships weren’t supposed to be that smooth.
Nowadays ‘good’ people are rare to find. Good people to marry are even harder to find, I started my “initial approach” on this issue and to my very amazement, I realized that she had also been thinking of the same. A future that is, Pssssttt!!!! My generation of ladies cannot think of proposing, Scary enough I was wondering how fast these years have passed! “I am marrying already?” I just couldn’t believe it. My friend Kevin was even bored of us. He did not care that I went against our agreement (His) about not getting involved with Cera… actually he was happy for us. Very funny!!! He was single himself.
Things started getting sour after my job started moving me from one station to another. This was an issue we had been ignoring for quite a while; we used to convince ourselves that everything was sailing smoothly enough, and that our love for each other was strong enough to bind us through the distance. It wasn’t to last forever anyway, I would be coming back. Life went on pretty well, at least as I thought. But on Cera’s end, things were different. She had resigned even before we started this part of our emotional flight. She couldn’t handle the thought of me being away from her for long spells. Or so she thought. Love started getting depleted. When the inner soul ceases to try to keep the fire burning, the feelings run out pretty fast. The first month was okay, second was weird and by the third, she had gathered up enough courage to tell me that what she felt for me was not there anymore, and that she couldn’t go on with the relationship. Oh!!! That was devastating enough. I couldn’t hide my disappointment and hurt. Life had to go on.
The intensity of the heartbreak was beyond measure, that period of my life is marked in bold, and astrologically positioned as well, it is the worst phase of my life, thus far. I couldn’t eradicate the weird mix of emotions that had decided to use my face as a fully loaded cinema screen, but I needed to, and really fought it off. I carried on my duties as usual. When it was too much, I asked for a week’s short leave to go relax a bit. For a moment all the struggle that was for the sake of a happy family had ceased making sense. I couldn’t let my immediate superiors to know I was in some sort of emotional turmoil, lest they suspend me from flying for a period. If that went as well, I would be as good as dead.
Not only was Cera not in love with me anymore, but she was “convinced” she was in love with someone else. You see… this confirmed to me that, the relationship was working; it’s only that she did not want to play her equal role. What I have never understood was why and how one could let feelings for someone else develop while harboring someone else’s feelings. I saw it coming but I couldn’t do anything you know… Mentioning it or even the hint of such would always bring up unnecessary debates. I let her go anyway, and I quickly worked or tried to work up a moving on scheme, which was pitiable at first, but as providence would have it, work became tougher and I got carried away.
Everything was fine until she called one day and told me that she was expecting a child.
“What does that have to do with me?” I asked “Why not tell your boyfriend that? I ceased to matter right?”
“Because it is not his &…”
“Ha haaa! Sloppy woman!”
“Is this your way of telling me everything is not going right that end? Or you are just playing with my mind?”
“I swear this baby is yours!”
“Watch your mouth lady… Don’t shout at me now, How did that happen? Wi~Fi? Tell me…”
I had already made my calculations and I was partly smiling, but I had to be stern enough. There was a probability that the child she carried was mine. I did not want to make it easy for her because, even the way she started the exchange; there was an element of discomfort aimed at me. Two could play that game.
“I haven’t had unprotected with him yet & you are the only one I got intimate with…”
“Big time trust issues Huh?” “You are sure about that?”
“Yes I am…”
“So where do I come in?”
“You tell me…”
“Ha haaaa!!! Me now? Okay, all expenses within the course of your pregnancy, I will cater for, when the child is born, you take care of her until she is old enough to walk, same case, expenses on me. Then from there I will take custody of the child.”
“No Buts.” “Or Else, go tell & try to explain to your boyfriend that you have my child and I am not going to be taking care of a mother who broke my heart & still has no feelings for me. So you two being the “ideal” family, you will tell that child you are the parents. Otherwise, there is nothing else to discuss”
“You are unfair Brian…”
“I am not unfair, you should have thought twice before breaking my heart in the cheapest of ways… & running to the very first man you felt applicable.”
“I said long time ago that I never receive heartbreak apologies! You are not as special. So my deal or you walk.” “I need to get back to work; I have a pre-flight briefing in a few minutes…”
“But please baby, think… about it…”
“Oh Please! Cut the drama. Give that baby stuff to your boyfriend. Have a nice day.”
Sh**!!! I was cursing my all… I had just started the first of the very worst scenarios I always asked God to help me avoid. A child who would not share the love of both parents. That was irrevocable. It was too late. As much as I pretended, the term “Baby” sent spinning way faster that the jet does on full afterburn. Melting I tell you! But now the heartbreak was way too much for me to recall the love we once had.
I was perplexed to such an extent that when I entered the briefing room, the question that was shot at me caught me off guard!
“Are you okay Captain?”
“Morning Sir! (The toughest & most authentic salute ever) I am alright all is well! Just psyched up for this mission!”
They all swallowed it & I couldn’t wait to get into my jet and get it over with. Then the stupid thoughts started flowing, I.e., how I would have loved to sneak a picture of my family at the cockpits dash, and be seeing em as I do my thing. “Go away!!!” Bad thoughts… I almost messed up at takeoff, when I underestimated the crosswind and almost got swept off the runway. Laikipia could get windy at times, especially being on the lee ward side of Mt. Kenya. The static of the intercom brought me to my senses and I swear a few drops of something were released somewhere! Damn! I thought I had emptied my bladder!!!
“Are you okay Lima01?” (Control tower had noticed that moment of tension)
Two 500lbs JDAMS, 8 Sidewinders, 400 rounds of 20mm ammo and a 370 gal fuel tank would be a nuclear explosion if I had let myself enjoy the ecstasy of messing up on that runway. I would be greeting Angel Gabriel, before the fire truck driver realizes what had happened…
“Am good Control! It’s a nice day for a (Baby, Baby) flight don’t you think?”
“Sure Captain… Go do what you do best…”
“I will. Thank You.” (Baby, Baby)
I had to get those thoughts off my mind and fast!
The mission was a success mostly because I was angry at everything around me. Hit all my targets & for once I returned to base with an almost full fuel tank. I had only consumed the external fuel pod’s content. Emotions can be good & bad if mismanaged!!! I landed and logged in my hours and left the hangers. I expected at least a missed call or a text from Cera telling me she was lying and just wanted to test my feelings for her. I was tempted to call her and tell her to meet me and tell me what she was trying to, straight in my face. I did not call. I rushed to my house and sprawled myself on my thought couch…
This was a tough one… The first thought that came to me…
“I wish Love never existed!!!”