Secure, anxious – preoccupied attachment, dismissive – avoidant and fearful avoidant . . . stuff I just bumped into. But its real they are the various “styles” of attachment in the attachment theory. Fast forward to now . . . the soul mate thingy. . . stuff like this would definitely land someone in the avoidant series.
When a lady is low in most cases there is another man she goes to and not you as a boyfriend or as a husband . . . this happens as well for guys. It’s again spreading fast. Another guy will make you comfortable, feel free, happy, wanted, secure. . . and all those other tu – things we feel. It’s interesting to learn that in some cases, the people “you are with” are not the people you emotionally feel or are emotionally attached to on the higher level. The people we open up to, the people we tell it all.
It all makes sense, in a weird sense that is, when your partner opens up to an external, then you find your external as well, and you begin playing different roles in your life. Most of my relationships have always began on a soul mate – style level as in contrast to beauty, assets, bonds and all the other normal aspects of a an attraction. The first she cheated, the second, third & fifth I quit, the fourth . . . story of my life. Okay, each has been. Here is Number 4.
That’s not the issue. Being a talkative social being, I happened to meet a friend of a friend . . . of a friend. We kept in touch and became great friends. I took my time to know her & I believe she took hers to know me too. For a year we played soul mate, which is after upgrading the highly regarded BFF status. The soul mate roles were played efficiently. We met occasionally having enough theory about the effects of tight external bonds; I tried my best to keep off contact, dates, raves, outings and all. To cut the short story shorter, we ended up in a relationship. Somehow the bond turned out to love. . . Hmmm for the first five months everything went well, until another interesting story/man came in.
Since the lady was already involved/ committed, they agreed to a lets be friend arrangement. Let’s assume she said “No”. A shaky No. A man knows when a woman is serious with her “NO!” or “no”. This in turn gives him the signs to interpret. One of those no’s will tell the guy that this lady is serious with the relationship or she has provisions for extras . . . it always happens that way. . . “friends?” “yeah, we can do friends . . . nothing more, friends.” “I promise”. Here the b plan changes to a capital B and we start building the Fs in real sense no guy is interested in a let’s do plan B. even if it is done, it’s on a tactical basis. Patience. . .
Okay, the guy played patience and worked hard at it. (Remember this is my version eh,) the girl became a fanatic of the guy’s efforts, what happens in this case? The lady became a good friend. A very good one at it. Giving the guy the up to date info on what was rolling in the relationship and what was not. . . To the guy this was all he needed and he knew where to hit and how hard to hit. Dates, coffees, exotic camps, across the border cruises (I still hold my employer a grudge coz of my passport restrictions on that one). Having had an experience on such “soul mate role exchange” I had told my/ our “Girlfriend” when we were “setting” our constitution against opening up to random guys. She was too “whatever” to observe that.
So in the 5th month, some baseless ishs started coming up. (for the record, we never fought or disagreed) comparisons to be specific & that’s when I started seeing sunset at midday. But I couldn’t fight it coz I knew where it was headed to – from experience. So I allowed a slow comfortable death. On the other hand. She was sure that by his giving a listening ear, the feeling inside was real love. . . it was Infatuation. My first, in a pink perfumed writing pad once told me “you don’t love me, that’s infatuation” he he a few weeks later she accepted my proposal.
I am among the clique of weird guys, so when she called it quits to a case of “Love gone South” I agreed coz I felt loving meant letting go and that was it. Again why fight? Making the other happy in good and in bad. Happily ever after included joining the list of Ex Factor. So now the “Soul mate role exchange” re occurs and now am the friend.
If I was to start listing those who fell in love and loved me coz of my listening and helping I would be good to start a class of mine. Being a case of infatuation, I started playing the “soul mate” role again to one of the worst relationships I had ever played audience to. Heartbreak, Infidelity, lies and all the rest, I mean with all due respect after the sex what do you expect? That was just another territory conquered! No offense, am a guy. Sorry. But again I saw where it was headed to. And it had to break it up. The outcome became another loooong documentable tale. (watch this space)
Thing is whenever your relationship can’t play the soul mate role, you are headed for doom, in a way. You can/ will be able to tell when you cannot bond with your relationship coz if the sharing, heart to heart talks reduce, then know somebody else is playing your role. Which you should strive to rectify before your intimacy gets “rectified” as well, or to prevent further “reconstruction”, ;D. This is another reason why people cheat. Ask yourself why your partner would opt for a side dish. Some people like to unburden and share their woes with the rest of the world. Usually this would help get different points of view and vent. However they are taking it too far by turning any semi- receptive ear into an avenue for them to look for validation for their poor choices. If you are unavailable in any way, whenever your partner wants to share a problem, what’s most likely to happen? Any wonder why people, cheat on their partners? Some people do not have affairs just for sex, no! Some merely need someone who can listen to them and show concern. It doesn’t matter! Men or women. Maybe a kind of escape until you realize you are supposed to share stuff with them openly so they can share with you openly as well. But if it’s not rectified, coins flip, tables turn, & chapters are closed.